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I've done it before, yet last time was the most recent.
Where you wake up unable to go back to sleep - wondering if it's close to your wake-up time or too far to push it. You don't want to look at the clock but then you do and it's 3:34 in the morning and you're sleepy wide awake and you weep and tell all the truths of your life out loud while you cry.
"If you exist god, fucking take me. I have nothing and am a disappointment."
You think of yourself as a child and recognize the loser you are as an adult - the saggy old crone without any direction or connection.
You stay up a bit longer and catalog the failures. You apologize to god. You apologize to the shrooms. You acknowledge that you trap yourself. Then you get mad a little and decide to self-isolate even more than you already have. You recognize that all personality is just a facade to keep people away and you're not even sure what you're keeping them from.
Finally, you just grab your fucking iPad that your terribly disappointing ex-husband bought you that's 10 years old and you apologize for even trying to delve into that as anything but a bullshit fake relationship. You read that Georgia is seeing the northern lights again - a solar storm. You sigh and go sit at the window and look - you see mars and another star and stare.
you see nothing.
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