|
Steeling myself up to try and early vote in my new sector of the government. Imagine there's not countries. It's not easy at all. We have a conditioning - a slant - to everything. What you think you are is what you act like and what you act like is what you are.
Listened to the astrology thing for the millionth time. It had been the only thing I had on my iPod to listen to back in the shitty daze of separating from #2. I still get annoyed with it. I'm a late bloomer - my flower opens in the autumn of life.
What the fuck do I want? suicidal ideation at 52 - pathetic - but understandable. My life only had meaning when it was reflected with other folk. I joined a fucking cult in recompense for fucking up with mark. Didn't hurt anyone but myself. My throat burns with unsung songs, yet put a piece of paper in my hand and I'll cry some excuse not to produce. wake up. wake up dead man. that's a u2 song - those wacky christians.
last night's dream was in jail and drunkenness where I couldn't really get drunk though I'd drank all day long. My first sexual experience was in the dream. haven't thought of him in ages. My favorite story from him is that he ran into his family's house when the Dairy Queen treat rolled under his break pedal. smash!
When you know things, you can't un-know them. I suppose that's why the tree of knowledge could be a shit thing. It SOMETIMES comforts me to know that I'm on a random planet circling a random star in a random galaxy, but more often I'm like "fuck, I have to brush my teeth."
Getting out o' the past. a doozie. nothing had mattered to me before I found him and nothing mattered when I dumped him like a fucker up. My father once said to me, "leaving your mother was the worst mistake I ever made." at the time, I loved my whipped response "don't worry, it was the best thing that ever happened to her." yet, now I'm in that same position - ha! his last wife. I'm not sure she ever loved him, but he had a companion. I'm very sure he wasn't deserving of even that - fucking child rapist. UNREPENTANT child rapist. no atonement for that douchebag of a dick. His actions triggered my last break with reality. Now, I'm back and just on the floor writhing in self pity.
get me out of the past.... but here go - wanting one last dance with my darling ghosts of Wilmington. I think sometimes that I won't even tell people I'm there - why get the potential for rejection going. In my heart it was so real, you even spoke to me and said:
if you're so funny... oh mother
if you know, you know.
so the voting thing amuses me somewhat gnashingly. it's my fucking last name that's the kerfuffle.
here goes nothing.
|
