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Cootie Girl: your feet
6.11.2004
An open letter to anyone who plans to show off their feet - ever,
It's summer time in the city and you know what that means right - it means the tourist have taken off their socks and are ready to roam the streets freely in their Birkenstocks. No really it is that time of year where people gladly toss their closed-in thermo insulated, heavy duty, all purpose shoes for a more airy breathable summer shoe most of which show at lease some toe if not all.
At this time I would like to ask the reader at home to take off their current footwear (be it shoes, socks or anything) and examine your feet. Do you think these feet are acceptable for the public to view? DO YOU? Are you sure I mean look at them. Well let me put it this way do you think you can land that foot modeling job - you know for the "after" photos when that gross bunion of yours is finally removed. And what about those gross yellow flakey nails. Can they be any longer - do you plan to use those talons to climb some walls late at night? And that poor little toe of yours does it even have a nail anymore. Those calloused heels and that thing hanging on the end. What is that anyway?
What I am trying to say people is that: 1) you really should take care of your feet. You know you are walking on them all day every day they need love too. 2) go get a pedicure (regularly if possible) - I don't care if you are a guy and are too "manly" for these things - just go do it - you will thank me and the other people in your life will thank me. 3) basically keep your feet groomed to wear people would think "wow that person knows how to take care of their feet they must be good lovers" - trust me here if your feet look gross you will not pick up that hottie you have been giving the eye to (unless of course they are blind or are into fungous feet - then that is just gross and you probably deserve each other).
Now you all must think I am some foot fetish freak and well you are right. I look at people feet where ever I go and most of the time I am disgusted with what I see (it almost makes me want to stomp on them). Just take one look at my parents' feet and you too would adapt a foot care regimen that would make your feet flawless. (God - if my feet EVER ended up like theirs I would just chop them off). My foot care regimen begins with a bubble bath - once a week - in which I buff away the rough skin, scrap away any calluses, remove (by any means necessary) any corns, the nails are kept trimmed to a short length and I end it all with some awesome foot cream. I get pedicures so often to get the polish done because when I paint my toe nails myself they end up looking like bloody stumps.
So people, for the love of god and all of humanity (or at least all the potential people that might see your feet) please keep your feet looking good. Otherwise I might have to stomp on them - don't make me do it because I would.
Yours Sincerely,
-Foot Fetish Freak
