here are some phrases i like to keep handy. they are invaluable in a variety of situtations.
stabbed in the neck with a fork and left in the dumpster to die this is a classic. it was extracted from a conversation at the wilmington perkins circa 1995. as me, william and julie enjoyed the bottomless cup of perkins coffee, our waitress QUIT in mid-pour. after we flagged down another waitress and confirmed that the other waitress had indeed quit, she went on to tell us that it happened a lot on the night shift because it was such a crappy time to work. she explained that one night two men tried to rob the perkins and the night culminated with one of them - yup, you guessed it - stabbing her in the neck with a fork and leaving her in the dumpster to die. the way she said it was so dramatic and so colorful - i've loved the phrase ever since. can be used to make someone feel guilty about the way they're treating you (why don't you just stab me in the neck with fork...) or just to make the point of how much someone is bothering you -enough to stab them in the neck, etc.
whooooooo freebird! (insert puke sound here) this was at a tom petty concert on the lawn at walnut creek circa 1996. the mulletted man in front of me was very drunk and very high and very unstable. when tom came out on stage, mullet man stood up, gave the long-horn salute with both hands and yelled "whoooooooo freebird!!!!!" and then hurled all over the blanket in front of him and passed out. good times. whooooooooo freebird is great just about anytime of the day but is especially useful when you see someone who just looks like they could be that guy. at that point, a small "whoooo freebird" under your breath is hilarious.
hot momma uncw creative writing class, circa 1994. one of my classmates was recounting a story about growing up the youngest of 10 cousins and always getting picked on. one particularly traumatic event took place at a family get together when all 9 cousins started whispering "hot momma hot momma" whenever she would walk by them. it was sheer torture to this classmate who was about 9 at the time. of course, the second she told the story she was forever branded as hot momma in class and ever since i have called most people i know hot momma. it's a useful phrase because i don't think most people know how to respond to being called hot momma. well, you should be damned proud.
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