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Nutshell Kingdom: I Yam What I Yam (pre-bar exam fantasia)
2004
Feeling iron deficient, I bought a head of raw leaf spinach the other day and ate it all. It made me so happy that I sang a little song, "I'm strong to the finishk, cause I eat my spinach/ I'm Popeye the say-lor-man!"
Soon after, I saw an old law school professor, an enormous man with a black beard and always wearing the same red shirt. He had given me a poor grade in Copyright Law, so I became enraged. My left hand turned into a hydraulic jackhammer and I pummeled him with about twenty jabs (insert jackhammer noise). Then my left became an anvil and my right a hammer, so I pounded his head a little. On the verge of unconsciousness, he fell right into a devastating right uppercut which sent him into the fireplace and up the chimney, up up and away into the blue sky above.
While he was up there, a strange man entered the room and proclaimed that he smelled hamburgers. He said that he would gladly pay me Tuesday for a hamburger today. Instead, I discovered a cupboard filled with cans of spinach. He demurred, tipping his bowler hat and left the room. I squeezed the cans open with one hand, their contents spraying into the air, where I sucked them down through my pipe.
Meanwhile, my professor, at the zenith of his ascent, froze in mid-air peacefully. Two little angels appeared and began to play harps. At that point, two devils that looked just like me, but wearing capes and having horns and being red all over, poked little pitchforks into his ass, disturbing his deathlike revery and leaving him to plummet back to earth, shattering the chimney into a thousand inividual bricks.
At this point my hands became mortar and trowel and I bricked up the entire building and all the faculty, including the Virginia Board of Bar Examiners (actually the Sea Hag and her Goons), leaving them to die, all the while muttering indecipherably to myself and giggling maniacly, "ugh ugh ugh ugh."
Later, I was pestered by Eugene the lovable magical jeep, who kept appearing and disappearing into thin air. I chalked this up to bad conscience and it stopped. I plan to ship off on a merchant steamer until the entire affair cools down.
Jeeps are animals which exist in the third and fourth dimension simultaneously, giving them abilities beyond the comprehension of mortal men. Eugene can walk through walls, teleport, and tell the future (he can't speak, so it has to be a yes/no question). Unfortunately, Jeeps need to eat orchids to survive, and they're so darn expensive...
