The one who cheated on you in the bathroom of a party you were both attending.
The one who kept breaking up and getting back together with you and telling you he loved you, but told his friends he was just horny.
The one who slept with your best friend, thereby sabotaging your two main relationships.
The one who dumped you for a lesser Baldwin brother.
The one who wrote songs about other girls while you were still together and told you it was just art.
The one who only wrote songs about you after you had broken up.
The one who let you go through with a really expensive trip, only to dump you when you arrived.
The one who let you pay for everything, including the ticket to the resort where, when you joined him a week later, he had already hooked up with a scandinavian woman. They now have two children.
The one who stayed with you for a week, had a fling with you, and then didn't come home on his last night because he picked up a different girl.
The one who admitted he had never used a condom even though he had worked on a cruise ship and slept around.
The one who got his ex girlfriend pregnant while he was courting you.
All the ones who turned their shitty behavior into an art confessional, thereby purging themselves of sin.
The one "retaining chi"
The one who always had one big flirtation, waiting in the wings for when you didn't work out and you know this because you had once been that person in the wings.
The one who got custody of your dog.
The one who left her old, pissing-everywhere cats with you and left town.
The one who, in an act of gleeful sabotage, slept or hit on everyone in your group of friends and then skipped town, leaving the circle in tatters and a bitter taste in everyone's mouth.
The one who just stopped calling. And disappeared. And months later tried to come back with no explanation.
The one who kept sending flirty messages to his ex-wife.
The one who stopped talking to you after you got married and never learned to NOT burn the fecking oatmeal.
The one who just woke up and said "I can't do this".
To all of you: Watch your backs and don't walk down any dark alleyways. I have my list.
