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Wearing one of two green and white dresses that have only been worn in public twice yet are frequently in the try on at home alone...
that's what drove her here.
it's weird to be alone and unpaired.
feels like that might be a symptom of the patriarchy
the last time, it was an eight year exile from pair-bonding.
and then the person I chose to accept a pair-bond invitation from was a rebound from someone she chose to entertain her family AND friends with confident intelligent conversation.
She was such a pleaser.
She has allowed herself to not worry so much until after the new year - after Christmas. She can join the others in suicide month AKA January.
Today was the day she was going to get her shite zusammen and pay her bills and elect her coverage - but give this chick a deadline, and she will come 20 to 10% under it.
And she was kind of trying on dresses for the bridal shower.
she assumed there would be no men/prey.
and it was one of the rare times she didn't cry forlornly at the goodbye nor talk about her family and cry. She only moistened up a couple of times and mostly marveled at how fragile it all is.
And the wedding.
It had been why she was going through all this.
well, the timing.
She was thinking of Oakland a lot - but mostly how she was right in that it was the same just different surroundings. And the lake had been wonderful. She wondered if she should go to the mounds more... that had been the best walking. But it was lake Mariout (always fascinated by the Anthony and Cleopatra on that lake...) and cape fear and Greenfield that had been the anchors of her life there - not even the ocean or the bay of either way - but it was grand knowing they were there.
So, it's day 25, and she's trying to adjust and knowing she was lonely before the same just there was water and the little relationships she had built - such as you do when you frequent four places in a year.
She had a flash wondering if the todo's place would miss her, but she also shuddered at the thought of ever going back.
her boobs and uterus ached and she wondered if she was going to have one more go or more goes at the bloody egg drop. The wind blew. The leaves fell off the trees, and flowers bloomed.
Conversation. It wasn't just anyone she wanted to hang out with. She wanted good conversation.
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