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I still remember that boss that roared up to my house in Wilmington in his huge SUV in the snow/hurricane and pounding on my door to offer me a way to work. Mark and I always loved the excuse for a party - and this job was a bill-payer not a career dream - and he didn't have a film at the moment. We had drunk, and were sleeping in for the day of weather. Some lover called it "you like to drink, but you aren't an alcoholic".... well, the jury may be out on that one. It's hard to do this life with not even a prescription Wellbutrin. I have to credit drugs. All day yesterday, I dared myself to cry - to really cry for how worried and sad I was.
More importantly, I'm wearing one of my favorite pairs of pants that I never thought I'd fit into. It's such a nice feeling when something lovely fits perfectly.
I got scared by Microsofts copilot yesterday too. and then when Hoda announced her retirement - it again felt like I was getting old and a world was dying.
Surely, it's unusual to have a hurry cane this late, yet one is sweeping through my chosen town. And I think I'm still bleeding.
I was thinking how familiar Fahrenheit 451 was and what a nightmare both that and Peggy Sue Got Married remain to me. For me, the real gist is human connection, and I love what a seeming hypocrite I am. Are so many of us? I'm a black mirror looker for sure.
I need more mirrors in my new home. I don't quite have the one that is my "friend" yet. I also wished Karen a happy birthday but I wasn't 100% certain today was the day. I'm grateful for writing due to the ability to "blood let" my thoughts to relieve the pressure - supposing if I didn't have this, it would have to express some way. Grateful that I have my mom. Grateful that I can't make myself cry - if that doesn't also make me a bit fearful. I am SUCH a great crier and have cried so easily that it makes me almost more scared and bemused that there's this feeling that I can't cry or that old cliche of not being able to stop.
I hope it's something different, and it's good medication and getting used to a new thing.
it rains.
I had wanted rains.
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