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That was my tattoo idea when I was young - I was going to have Pluto on my thumb then 'truth' for my quest.
then I got older and realized that my quest for meaning was really a request for control. I've become comfortably numb, and I live in a town where water meter trucks drive around and do their deeds. I've
let go of a string I've been clinging to for a long time.
the word integrity comes up
and reality.
the truth would be hard to tell you because it's so deeply personal that I wouldn't - hide it in the blatant vomits of self-revealed truth full illusions.
but this one, I've done many times. it just astounds me how ridiculous I must be to myself.
I love that of all the things I shipped and so much I let go, I have an OC "original copy" of the "I Can Handle This" post it note from cali.
god help me.
I prayed when I let go of the ember.
I'll let you know that.
because much of it was a surprise. It had been startling to be able to replicate the experience.
it was going to be interesting to cry a bunch. already, it had begun, and she had to note that it was just due and dew.
the sickness the virus she got was one of envy. It was hard to not be in control - to be the cousin Charlotte - to be a charity case. It was so much more fun to have 'fuck-you' money even if you had to tuck you for a while of it. You live, you learn.
So apparently, Pluto was moving into ... but don't get ahead of yourself.
I can already feel the great sadness, and finished one of the cheesy books last night.
the gut tug to be useful - to be pleasing. Hopefully, I will one day learn the craft of self-validation and be succinct.
my sister is a queen, and I feel a pauper/begger.
and crying at the girl lost in Athens won't due a bit of good.
the beauty has to be here.
it has to be now.
glowing.
of course that won't buy a bit of convict Dave bread in the grocery.
being open and being closed.
the star man asked about the dark fathers
I've hidden so much
to be loved by them.
and then of course I burst open like a black hole conversion.
the beat goes on.
I want to stay in this feeling. of
control for the top of the water
calm
and when it breaks - to
go along and drift
back to the place
to wrong about it all
again and cast aside
the latest sin of loving fool
me twice, fool me thrice
it's always the same device.
I run away and they all play
rinse repeat the ways to beat
the girl out of the woman
into the grave
robber of her
pearls of wiz
dominating all who dare care
rinse repeat
repeal the sentence
fire up the place
let's settle in to dramatize
a race to
... never-ending connection.
I'll stand under it
you by it.
Although now in my new charity life, there's a lot of me not much of a you. I think I'll try to sit back and be grateful and know it's all so brief.
both that and
remembering that the girl from Athens was kind and so lost...
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