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I'm only here because it's the only thing I have in this late stage. today is the monster's birthday. Not that he matters.
I used to blame everything on him - then I switched to the mother. Now, of course, I realize it's me - always has been.
There are days I recall more than decades. My last decade was sort of a wash - the safety years. I don't think there's ever going to be a "pleasant memory" that I pull out of my hat from Andrew times. The most positive part was sex and even that - who REALLY likes to be choked? only a freak I would imagine. I pretended, but it was mostly to get the come to cement my bond. People that get a lot of sex don't leave the person. Proud of it I'm not. Here, I am. The only thing I've done consistently in my life is write to an imaginary friend - you. Nowadays, I wonder if when I die would anyone even read it? I highly doubt it - mostly it would be to clean up and move on from the mess I made while dying. Now that I'm here on this planet that I constantly remind myself is some far far away distant minor rock - it's inevitable that I'll have to experience death. I'm terrified of it even though the entity said I would play on this planet and then go back into bliss when it's over.
I'd like to believe that.
She was lost. She was beautiful. She was about to destroy her life. Walking to the cuculorus event holding a founder's pass (hey plus one), she believed she saw her first ghost (when she went the next day it was a coat hanger strategically placed). At the time, she thought it was real and her first. In those days, Mary Jane was hard to find, but as it was the only time she didn't feel "YOU SHUT UP AND STOP FEELING GOOD KEEP WORRYING FOREVER" - she followed pot like the others followed cocaine. To each their own poison.
Last night, twenty years on from the ruinous event, she couldn't even remember if they kissed that first night. But, she thought they must have. She knew she had initiated their first kiss because she wanted to take care of him, "I didn't want you to have to carry the stigma of making the first move and fucking up my perfect life." The only thing she remembered for sure was that the next day was the first official day of spring. She remembered the frogs starting up and the pollen ejecting like that Star Trek episode. In her fucked up head, she thought it was all going to be all right for everyone and instead of destroying her life, she was going to build a peninsula - a bridge.
She bitterly laughs now. Not yet a crone but still bleeding less for the cause. Have a kid. God that kid was lucky she didn't have it. Maybe she was fun to talk to sometimes, but mostly she was a ball of tired tropes never leading to anything but ourobourus.
In this her final attempt to reboot her life, Faust has traded a spoon for a leaf. Whatever that means. Everyone around her was dancing in the ease. She was grasping for survival. The most she could do the most she could try to do was not be messy -to sit down and shut up.
She also wondered how long that would last. Traditionally, it was like holding an inflated beach ball under the water (yes, Dr. Phil I stole that from you), it had to come up. What goes down must stay down? but what goes up must come down?
Her job. She kept wondering when it would be the time to do a new one - when it would be foisted upon her. For now, she was clinging like a hoper. She greatly missed being confident and arrogant. She missed that bong filled with smoke that would go into her heart every single day and keep her from wanting to die. Was that really true though? She had to think of the tattoo a lot - the one that reminded her that she could have died and she CHOSE to live.
What to say? Even if there were a murder to solve, would she really care about the victim or just the chance to solve a puzzle. Why are we hear surely not to live in pain and fear.
enough.
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