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When you hear about saints, they seem to have been all too human eh. Last night was a doozy. I don't often awaken from a wallet dream (I often have 'nightmares' that I've lost my wallet) at 2am and then stay up until 5am, but I have a wedding/family-event to attend, and I get nervous.
Also, I got the cutest costume from my spouse #1 and his now bestie. It shook me for a fookin loop y'all. I had to talk myself off the "god, I fucked up my life", but like I told you - I'm my father's daughter. I'm living the response he gave about leaving her being the worst thing that ever happened to him and now the retort I gave "never worry, it was the best thing that ever happened to her." So, I have to live with the fact that not having me in their life might be the best thing for someone who used to love me. It sucks, but so say we all.
To put myself to sleep and my reeling mind, I wandered through my old house on 705. For some reason, that was my happy place more than 611. I ran through 611 as well as I was awake a long long time.
there, I played sixth the neighborhood cat. She loves to play, and I just like to feed and pet. It twists me a bit - and I think of Edith.
Now, I await my parentals. I guess I'll have to eat breakfast number two as I already ate my three (small) pieces of cheese toast. The things we do for love.
That 705 house was kind of a tiny shit take compared to the larger and hot-tubbed 611, but I do love proximity to the town of down. I guess I'll publish this the minute they get here and flee to the coast.
I get to stay with my aunt's husband (I guess that's my uncle) friend's beach house. He's a billionaire that owns some sports team - so hopefully it will be lovely. Staying ON the beach.
Thinking of #2 (well, I've taken two dumps today so why NOT think of him) it only puzzles me that I don't think of him at all except to think "how could I have thought I could be married to that place-holding weirdo")
And mocking myself that all my energy is always going towards finding a yoke-mate and then once I get that - it's finding a place for this oxen team to go. I was fucking lucky with #1 - and I squandered it. I read a really useful thing about crazy people (they call us mentally ill now) - living life without meds among people is like going into a swimming pool without a floatation device when you don't know how to swim.
And I wanted to be a normal like all of you - or at least not stick out so much. Now, I know that I'm just a fookin weirdo. I'm nigh 53 years old, and I have two zits on my face, yet they're not true zits - one is a sweat from glasses byproduct in that terrible nose crease place and the other is I believe an ingrown chin hair.
I still bleed. I just don't bleed as often and regularly as I used to. It's going to freak me out when I'm a real menopausal crone. But really, you're welcome kid I never had. I would have likely treated you like I treated my husbands and cats - I love you soooooo much until you start not being well/pull-away and I freak out that you don't love me so I start to diminish you. Perhaps I could have grown bigger than that. There, I just picked my chin and made it worse. Now for some alcohol and a pee.
Here they are! Let's go.
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