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What the fuck ever.
I'm running away to the only place where I briefly felt like I belonged to something. I'm hoping my $2000 car makes it there, but I'm also not willing to spend any dough to rent one. shit is expensive. I sent myself my resume to have from my work computer because I'm terrified. I got the red blood today which always sort of explains it - hormones are a bitch.
Today, I used to care that it was Selim's bday. I went nuts for my fantasy of what that guy was. I had thought I was going to finally have a payoff for the self-loathing empty pain in which I live. Instead, I got Locked up in a madhouse. It was a vacation. It's always nice to step out of life. Today, I pondered killing myself - yawn - yet again. I felt it might be a bad message to give the younger ones in my family who also struggle, but fuck it. I have a tattoo that I'm sure will haunt me to remind me that when I had an out "you want to die?", I chose to live. It's all been a blur and a waste of time. Maybe I will somehow generate a payoff. I thought of fasting today to save my food so I don't have to go to the grocery store before my poor guest arrives. It's raining.
I love it.
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