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She knew again that she had lost him again, and she so wanted to marry him and have him go away with her and be her love. That path was so hard. She was so complex when the situation called for simplicity.
What was the situation? The Mexican blanket was in the sun. Her rainbow crystal was about to glisten and shine. She was bereft beyond any shadows of doubt. Alyssa had died, and it was impossible for her to be light. She had cried in front of him. He had tried to distract her. It had sort of worked with pizza and beer.
She realized if he wasn't tipsy, he wasn't into her.
He mentioned how much he loved Heather and their shared history and the bike ride after his father's death. She tried not to be mortally jealous, but she had said the night before the same thing she had once said to her mother, "is there anything you like about me."
It landed like a feather. He just said he was being silly. or something like that.
More than many things, she wanted to know if he was really interested in her. It made her cry. She was raw anyway. A butterfly would make her weep. He had left after she had given him a blowjob and said "so, you're out of here" afterwards. What really did she want anyway? meandering around stupid frippery when she wanted to know.
Fuck
do you
like
me?
Do
you even want to know me?
That same time when he was so harsh with her, he had been saying how the key to everything is living in the moment - the present.
as if that was something easy.
She was almost done watering things just preferring to check out and let shit handle itself.
He wasn't at all excited by the deer trapped in her backyard.
"oh, I see herds of deer every day."
She just wanted to go into her depression spiral and continue eating and drinking until she slept.
He apparently was watching sports and excited that his kid's other grandma was visiting him.
it stung like a turd.
She had no idea how to ask. She had wept last night for the kids and Alyssa sure - but probably more - she had wept for her own silenced voice.
"do you even want to try to love me?"
and all the unsaid bullshit that would never be said.
"see ya soon"
and he was out her door.
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