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And she hung the rainbow crystal pendant she'd gotten in beloved Florida in the other room. She drank her third spoonful of instant coffee from a vendor she despised. She thought about how she had to water the potted flowers. She straightened the rug. She took a shit.
The dream was about Andrew and the kids last night - how she was trying to protect them from him being a selfish dick. The house they bought was pretty, but when she went to adjust the louvered blinds, the just rotted into her hands. Take it all as a symbol.
She had turned her phone off.
It was a safety mechanism. Even though it hurt that he didn't want to work something out towards seeing her this weekend, it wasn't the end of the fucking world. What was at an end was her being so fucking nice. She had had enough of having him dictate everything based on his less needy communication.
She had to admit that she had needs. It was a long distance whatever it was. She preferred to want to ...
It was a bad sign. She wanted to call it like it was. Reduction in communication instead of increased communication. She remembers leaving him in the Macon hotel the first night they had copulated and saying "what if this is the last time I ever see you."
She had been anticipating the end for so long, and she was tired. The dream was a good thing because at least it meant that she had slept after the 4:55 wake-up from Orangie. And whether she was going to get laid off or not, today was a "big day" for her - one she had to reap the results of her work and facilitate a large meeting. She was dreading it. Having to be 'on' was something she liked to do voluntarily, yet she also very much enjoyed a paycheck.
"whatever this is, it's the most unusual one I've ever been in."
She was going to let that land with the pesky dangling preposition and all. Limerence done. To her, it meant a change in the voice - she was going to tell it like it was - be realer. Or die trying.
What did it feel like to have someone so obsequious. Perhaps it was annoying to him as it was now to her. She had wept twice in the bed with him feeling like Siberia was between them after all her warmth... and being more honest - there were glimmers of promise, but he very rarely seemed to care about her pleasure.
It had been startling the drinking and the eating, and she couldn't deny what she was telling herself: you're being inauthentic. you're pretending.
And so he might be an avoidant attached man and she a disorganized attached woman - it didn't excuse anything. They both were in this.
She looks at the ring on her right hand that she got because of Edith - the one he must see every blow job she gives him to make him come closer. he never asks. He never pries. He shows up. He showed up. He might show up again.
Yet, she had flirted with the ax and the "this won't work" from the beginning - it was only because she wanted it so much she was wearing a halloween costume to fool the gods.
"I was thinking about all the masks we wear and about masks."
"I love that about you."
Last night as she was drinking tequila without soda and trying to be something she wasn't - it was the last. Again, she'll use the metaphor of the smoker: she was pretty much chain-smoking. It meant something didn't sit right with her.
Retreat.
Protect.
Work.
She was now going to water the outside flowers. She hadn't seen the deer yet this morning, and she hoped to never see them again.
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