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I can't even be bothered to use third person I'm so raw. I love how you answer my texts 23 hours later. It makes me feel like the MOST adored. Yesterday, I deleted my digital connection account. Upon doing so, I noticed that you had changed your profile pic - meaning that I'm certainly not le shit in your life.
You then called me at 10:30PM, and I didn't pick up because I still don't know how I feel about all this. Florida wasn't the best time in my life I've ever had, but it felt like a beginning. All through my dark night of some soul, last night - I kept thinking stupid stuff like "this doesn't make sense. I recognized you." You're easily the most interesting and attractive human I've met in twenty years. I obviously value you, but I don't really like who I am with you and that's certainly important.
What I want is to feel safe - to feel somewhat cherished - to have you think likewise "wow, what an amazing creature to encounter." And I get it, I've not been very sassy or even perhaps authentic. I've been like a motherfucking puppy in the pound - 'pick me! pick me!". It's hard not to. It's been so long since I even felt a smidgeon of recognition.
I gambled so much for you.
I risked my security. I've invited to you into my little world as much as I possibly could. I'm inviting you into my fortress of power, and for what? for a scrap of unreciprocal sex and getting to try to dance/entertain a picky son o'bitch.
Although it was lovely to actually have you make out with me on the sofa, it was the first time you'd done such a thing in our 98 days. Wheeee. And it's strange to me to not have the physical part sorted after all this time.
Oh well.
More importantly, I don't feel that feeling like you have in school when you know you are surrounded by safe people and you can fail without someone smashing your ego head into the ground. For me, my family was never safe to fail, so I so lap that up with a silver tongue. I think you think I'm stupid, and I'm boring, and I'm a ditz. Those are my defense mechanisms so I can certainly see how you'd think so.
Last night and sure now - I wonder if I am the most boring person on planet earth. I'll tell you Neil, I wanted to disappear. I wanted to die yesterday. It's extreme - duh! - however, I think it indicates the amount of power I've fucking given you, and obvi I want it back badly.
You're not going to brigadoon with me. I'm realizing that now. You didn't even invite me to some fucking festival that you "love" in our town. I'm just an option to alleviate some small boredom. You still don't ask me any questions besides what's my guess for worldle or throw it in my face that I don't have a great savings plan. I can't wait until I don't have to spend all my "extra" cash hosting you. I'm going to have to see if I can divest myself of you - for my own survival.
I can't even masturbate the the memory of your sex because there is nothing that I get out of it except perhaps my holes being desired. I mean it's great to be desired, yet I hope for more.
Maybe you called me last night to finally say "I'm done." Part of me of course would be relieved. The other part would be reaching for the ...
and you're the only one I want. I'll hang on until I'm shaken not stirred...
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