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SOLSTICE POST 451
Woke up in a pissy mood. Stripey was telling me that the food bowl was empty, and I was telling him that I would get to it when I got up and that he wouldn't STARVE. This went on all morning... i did not shake him.
Now coffee is on the boil (chock full o' nuts - i can't 100% of the time get free trade just 98% - besides chock full reminds me of college and mike).
Mark is working this week (so the empty coffers shall fill my friends)
I have a rant. My ipod is affixed to my ears. it's billie's "i'm a fool to love you" and that really really pisses me off.
Is this PMS?
Should I tell you that padz just puked on the floor from eating too fast or is that just toooo catty?
Ahhh 'fall on me' by beloved rem (and I was JUST talking about college
- oh random you are so quixotic).
Anyhooooo, I am feeling both a bit coy and a bit defiant about my big reveal - my manic panic post. I don't want you to think that I'm crazy and hate me and think everything I say is from a daze of pot or mania....
But if you do, you don't have to be my friend - just a former reader/lover/friend.
[pb]
One thing about being a 'wife' (which I wouldn't use the term for years due to connotations) - is that when you are manic no one tells you.
They tell your husband.
They run and tell daddy.
As if mark and my relationship didn't have enough daddy issues - protector protectee, host/hostess, solid/ephermal, etc.
Honest to shit, if you were my friend and you were acting like a crazy freak, I would certainly AT LEAST look into your eyes, tap you on the cheek and say "you are acting strange. Is everything OK?".
In fact, I do this all the time. I don't really have any core friends that are reading this, but had I they could certainly concur (no offense, I only have about four core friends: mike, kent, greg, karen, kristen, and some others). In fact, it probably pisses them off when I look deeply into their eyes and say "tell me what is wrong. i can tell. what are all your dark secrets?".
However, I myself never get this treatment from friends. Later, I am told that I am too intimidating or that I wouldn't have remembered or that I was too high.
Coward.
[pb]
At least go on the record for your own peace of mind is what I say. At least Alec has that. He gets told directly when he has an 'episode'.
He doesn't have a protector/chain.
Also, just for the record, mark never tells me who calls him and tells on me (except for this past time with the fledgling friends - who couldn't be expected to come to me - no hard feelings).
He just tells me that EVERYONE calls him... all of my friends. Could you see how this sucks for me when I hauntingly replay the 'episode' and wonder how they knew - where I cracked. When their eyes turned away from me. Smiling in my face - pretending to love me and have fun whilst waiting to get to the phone to tell on me.
Well it sucketh.
"be honest" by wedding present is on ipod now. no shit.
I was happy in the haze of a drunken hour and heaven knows I'm miserable now.
Not to spit in your eye. you are all lovely people.
I just have pms. feel rejected.... have a huge haul to build an independent life and all that shit... and no fire upon which to feed.
I've slept all week.
Now, I'm up. I've ranted. I'm over.
We can move on if you are ready.
wah wah wah. There are people starving right now (i'm actually sort of hungry).
Thank you for listening to me. I do realize that abu gharib exists while I have a boring heart.
I shouldn't even send this, but no - I want to be loved and understood.
(and to love reciprocally) Just hit next on ipod and the song is...
wait for it : "the whore's hustler and hustler's whore" by p.j.
Tomorrow is fat tuesday. I don't have any immediate friends who have partaken (mark was a cameraman for a documentary and I'm SURE craig rogers has gone)... but do you remember sitting in college with your buddies talking about going? "we can make it in 18 hours. You drive the first shift... we'll not sleep." Ahhhh college.
[pb]
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